starting my journey tomorrow!!!

tomorrow will be the start of my journey to russia.. flight to kl 10am.. airasia..
by the way my flight to russia is on the 31st of march 0200hour.. huhu see u guys there!! mmuuuuaah!!

going russia at last!!

woke up this morning and got a message from my father that my flight to russia is confirm. on the 30th of march 0055 hour. flight fly emirates.. im so excited cant wait to be there.. but im sure im gonna miss my baby, friends and family. my preperation is almost done.. huhuhu..

never thought i cry..

my baby call, just to ask how i am and what i'm up to. few hours before that we had a small argument about me going to russia soon and maybe unable to go and meet up with my baby before i deploy. while my baby was talking, i cant help the feeling of missing my baby so much.. i supress my feeling towards my baby, saying to myself that its ok and its just a short seperation. i guess, every now and then, i miss my baby terribly and dont wanna admit it. well tonight i cry silently while my baby was talking. i wanna say sorry but for what reason? words cant form even though there's thousand of things that i wanna tell my baby.

i'm sorry baby.. i love you so much. if we are unable to meet for the final time before i deploy, im sorry again. sometimes things just doesnt go the way we wanted it to be. i love you then, now and forever...

thinking of you- kate perry

thinking myself as the person in the lyrics.... am i bad by doing so? to desire the past yet still wanting all the real thing and always supress by reality? well, here it is, thinking of you- kate perry

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

a very stupid bad addiction!!

i have this really bad addiction to this old tv series on hallmark. the nanny!! i thinks i've watch the complete episode otf the nanny for 4 times already.. never get bored and always laugh at the same joke over and over again..

the story is not just about a whacky nanny who happens to work at this really rich english broadway producer that had 3 kids, a butler and a overly reacted business partner. its about life. about how a litte of humour and trust can change the life of everyone. how love is unconditional and and true.. love will always be on your site no matter where you are, how you are.. and it also comes in many different package. all you have to do is to trust yourself and the love... cheers!!

a hit at hte groin its funny but eeewwww!!

there's this whacky show on axn recently that shows clips of guys got hit at their groin after some major sport mistake. it was really funny for a few seconds then all of a sudden i feel like a major rush of blood right "there"!! it wasnt the "nice" kinda rush for sure!! omg!!! it feel really wierd. a bit like the butterfly feelings in the stomach when you're panic, just that at that moment it was around that "area"... damn you axn!! hahaha

am i leaving soon?

just got the news from my mother yesterday that maybe i'll be leaving for russia on the 30th or march.. hmmm.. it got me excited!! cant wait to go and start a new life there as a medical student. along with that, i'm a bit sad to leave everthing here. my family, my friends, my lover... gonna miss you all!! how cliche it sounds but life have to go on. and i cant wait!!!

ade ke yang baca blog aku?

banyak kali gak aku fikir pasal benda ni.. ade ke yang nak baca/ baca blog aku?
number of readers tiap hari naik gak. adakah mereka baca atau sekadar lalu je?
ape2 pun, kepada yang baca blog aku, terima kasih u alls...

love is a losing game

i guess in this world that i'm living in, love is always gonna be a losing game... yet, i still have great in it.... ejoy everyone.. amy winehouse- love is a losing game.

you did not remember me

when i was a little boy, i dont really understand this song, and yet its still such a sad and heartfelt melody in yet... now that i know what it meant, i goes even deeper.. this is for that someone...

Realiti sebuah penerimaan

Banyak perkara dalam dunia ni yang mengambil masa untuk sedar atau menerima realiti sebenar sebuah masalah itu. Kerinduan ku kepada banyak perkara sedikit sebanyak membuka mata ku kepada perkara- perkara yang selama ini aku cuba elak realitinya. Dalam semua kesibukkan itu kita leka dengan apa yang berada di sekeliling kita. Hanya apabila kita kesunyian barulah maksud sebenar semua itu datang menerja setiap sudut kehidupan kita. Pada saat itu barulah kita sedar yang kita tak mampu melakukan apa- apa selain membenarkan semua itu hadir dalam hidup kita. sesetengah perkara senang untuk kita terima. Separuh lagi mungkin amat perit untuk kita terima kebenarannya. namun, seperit mana pun realiti itu, lama kelamaan kita terima juga. Sehari, sebulan mungkin setahun... Tak siapa tahu... Tapi yang pasti kita tak ingin semua itu terbuang menjadi debu- debu halus yang melayang bila angin bertiup.

Hari sepi ku dan harapan esok

Malam ku sepi tanpa dia di sisi. Ku lalui malam ku di tempat ini tanpa seorang teman. Tiada apa yang mampu ku lakukan untuk menghilangkan kesepian ini. Rinduku pada si dia semakin hari semakin dalam. Namun apabila ku cuba menyelami perasaan itu, terasa hambar dan tawar. Tidak seperti dulu saat dia sentiasa hadir disisi raga ku.

Dalam semua kerinduan ini, ku juga mengharapkan orang yang ku anggap abang hadir menemani aku. cukup untuk ku melempiaskan semua kerinduan ku padanya walau hanya seketika. Namun ku tahu semua itu hanya tinggal janji yang telah terhapus ditelan masa dan kebuntuan. Kepentingan diri mengatasi segalanya. Ku hormati tiap keputusannya. Siapalah aku jika dibandingkan dengan keluarganya. Aku hanya insan yang dahagakan kasih seorang abang. Seorang kawan. Seorang teman untuk ku bicarakan diriku dan kisah duniawi.

Apa pun yang berlaku, ku hanya mampu berharap agar hari esok dapat menjanjikan sesuatu yang elok bagi ku. Namun jika hari esok serupa dengan hari ini dan seterusnya, akan aku menghitung hari ku sebelum aku bertolak ke tempat baru dimana akan ku mulakan satu kehidupan baru yang lebih mencabar.

i'm sorry if you feel that i was rude

lately all my hope for him is just a total waste of my time.. i know that you sms me to have a small chat. makes things clear and to tell how happy your are now that your back at your home town. i dont care about that anymore. i really dont. i gave you all the support you need and i still will be. however in most things you're own your own now. im sorry again. hope that your happy always..

my first autopsy exprience..

9.09am im at the morgue... Waiting for my time to enter the post mortem room. The anticipation is high. family of the death person were waiting outside the hall. Their faces describes everything. Anger, sadness and hate. The police are here as well. preparing the paper work and piece by piece.. here at the morgue time stood still for everyone. The staff tries to make jokes, trying to cheer the never ending moment of sadness n guilt that fill the air. im nervous and cant make the sense of to why im here at the 1st place..

11.00 a.m and i'm out or the autopsy room.. The 1st 15minute was horrible.. I feel like turning back and just left.. The sight of death was trying to bring me down pieces by pieces.. It was a murder case. for a while i try not keep a safe distance from the body. My mind was empty. I cant think about anything but leaving. Then the police came to me. Its i know that he's trying to challange my mental capability. He ask me to apporoach the body. Look at the slash wound nearer. With all the guts i had that time, i went on. Open my eyes wide and there it was.. Half a meter infront of me.
As time progress, im starting to get used to all the blood and organ. Touching and feeling every organ that the human body could offer.. The doctor was a great person. So does the policeman. Encouraging me every step. There i was, in total silence trying to make my way up and around people guilt and sadness..

againts the lonelinest and my dreams..

its reallty hard for me to start tyiping.. for everytime i try to, my feeling just left empty as if i was sitting here without a soul...

it was that day in everyone's life, when you just don't feel right.... the thing that you wanted so much is right at the corner but the link for you to get there and grab it was missing..

last night, i talk to a friend how i wanted to really meet my navy brother before i deploy for russia in april. i just wanna say sorry for all that i've done and for the fight that happen back then. however, my head keep on blocking this feelings.. trying each time not to give in so much of emotions. my friend said to me, just find others... but i know its not gonna be that easy.

that same night, dream that i was angry to my friends and decided to walk home instead of taking the same bus with them. on my way home, aguy say hai to me. he was very settle and very well mannered. apparently he was goin to the same direction as i am. we walk home together and chat. in 1 of our conversation, i ask him, where does he lives? he then answer this "it doesnt matter where i stay or wheere you stay, if you ever wanna meet up, i'll be there." then i was awaken by my mum's annoying voice... ish....

whatever my dream means, i dont care. all that i care about is that will that person arrive soon and is he somewhere out there? huhuhhu

the pieces dont fit anymore

the song reminds me of something that i've been thinking recently... its all in the lyrics...

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Chorus
Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

(Chorus)

Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.
III dont know why...... whyyyyyyyy!

the pieces dont fit anymore

u deserve it brother..

congrates to my navy brother. after 2 weeks of tiring exams and terrible and horrifying medical check up, you at last chosen to be a pilot for the navy's. i'm so happy for you. peace brother.
roger and out..

bored....

its like really boring this few days.. nothing seems to inspire me to write or even add something.. wanna take some pics but about what? maybe my adventure is has not yet began.. hopefully it will be soon...