getting old real fast...

i'm celebrating my birthday in a few days time... i just can't believe that i'm this old this fast.. to me, i'm still that little kid that need all the attention he could get.. over the years i loved, i fall, i cried and i woke up once again so that i could go on with what life has for me..

today i'm in medical school.. running through the busy days in order to fulfill my dream to become a doctor.. well lets hope i will made it through without much trouble..

i'm missing my family. missing home. winter is approaching real soon. it cold and the days are sad. as i go to class in the evening, i can see the sun set before me. in those rain, the scene was beautiful... how can 1 color be so beautiful... the orange of the sun sets...

it'll be another year before i'm goin back home.. missing every second of my life there... and i'm looking forward for it...

loving and missing you.... home..

to be this is not normal...

sometimes i just wanna be what i truly am...
i envy all those people that others called slut because they're so comfortable with themselves.
i wish they is no differentiation when i comes to sex.
i wish i was 20 years old.

but the world won't accept all of those wishes.
people talk and loves to add twist to the stories they heard.
ever since i step out i can't define normal any more.

i don't hate you.
i just want you to be with me.
so sleep and hug me in those lonely nights.
but we're never meant to be together.

so i let you go.
free you from me.
no more kisses.
no more hugs.
just memories of you and me.

p/s: i if only you can see this....

over u?

and so you told me... i'm officially trying to get over you mode...... asystole..

making myself go through hell..

sitting here listening to heart broken songs and smoking ciggarette just to makes time pass seem pathetic and totally out of hand. but hey, this is all you can do to release all the emotion that gone stuck int the memory of my brain. i let myself lost in your arms. letting myself naked and fragile at the same time. and now i that you're gone i was left with nothing but my pride and enough clothing just to cover my naked body. you walk away as if nothing ever happens between you and me. but i won't b angry nor will i ever judge your decision as to why you did all this. we want happiness and you didn't find it in me.

so i let myself exposed to the outer world. letting them know all my shame, all that was me. but i know, in time i will regain all that i've lost to you. its painful, its hard. but there is no gain without losing something. and i know the next time i'll be better and stronger then i was before i met you.

p:s; 1 thing remains strong in my memories, your kiss..

Torn- natalie Imbruglia

If there is anywhere that i could represent my feelings rite now, it would be in the lyrics of this song...

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late, Im already torn

and so i was, and so i know..

i was in love.. i thought i did.. for the moment everything was perfect, everything was right. never i thought that you're just wanna have it done and go. now all that i left is just those euphoric sensation of being in love and be loved. you smell still linger all over my body. memories of us just keep on repeating itself as i saw you walk by everyday..

and so now i know.. i regret it and i do not regret it...

missing u always..

and so it was..........

i was just too tired...

its been more then a month now since i started my second semester here in kursk. they've been up and downs and somehow i manage to pass all of them. taking myself higher then before. still the intense 12 hours of non stop of class is starting to take their toll on me. today i saw myself in the mirror, and for the first time i saw how ugly i look. my eye bags makes my eyes look as if they gonna pop out any moment. i can't see any sparkle in my face. i look like i was just run down by a really old ugly mercedes lorry.

during this time also, i feel like myself trap between reality and what is opposite to it. all those emotion and is draining me fast. sucking out all my energy like a little boy sucking up a glass of cold orange juice during summer... zoooooop!! just like that.

the song O Re Piya- Rahat ali khan keep on playing inside my head over and over again. i repeat the song in my mp3 until i'm tired of listening to it.. reason? i think i'm i love... with an indian... yet, the feeling i had was different. usually when you missed somebody, you feel happy, you feel energetic, you feel like you wanna live forever and life itself will never ends. but thing are not like that for me. i missed this person so much. but its killing me.. slowly.. sucking all of me.

so to take all this feeling off, i watch Grey's anatomy.. which makes it worse because the theme was "what would do it this was your last time on earth?" i watched 2 episodes. on the second episode i stop 5 minutes before it end and run down to the corner of my hostel, call my best friend, tell him to shut up and cry.. really hard..

it was such a relief.. the burden were somehow lifted and gone.. well, most of it that is. but it was good.. really really good.

i glad that i did that... and thank God for sending me an angel...

12 thing as to why i'm so pissed off today....

1. i'm angry

2. i hate people whose a total hypocrite

3. my friends is most of the time is a small kid..

4. i have no love over my lover

5. my best friend is somehow ignoring me in a way or another

6. u r not talking to me

7. yes you..

8. i hate cigarettes

9. i dress up all in black for sometimes now.

10. black is all i have in my closet.

11. i hate to cold weather so much!

12. i wanna get drunk but i cant without throwing up.

a letter for you...

dear baby,

abang nak baby mengerti yang abang tak pernah bencikan baby. abang mintak perpisahan ni atas sebab peribadi abang sendiri yang tak mampu menanggung semua ni. kekeliruan dalam diri yang tiada sudahnya..

i'm stupid because i let you go. the minute i let you go away from my life, i crave for the love and attention that you had given to me. your love is pure. more than i could ask for. more then what i could dream of. so i try to find all of those things in someone else. a new love.. a new hope..

maybe its true, once you get the taste of perfection, comparison are easily made. and once again i'm wrong for comparing my new love with you.

terlalu kalut untuk abang jelaskan semua dalam kata- kata. diri abang sekarang hanyalah seorang insan yang sepi dahagakan kasih seorang insan yang pernah dia tinggalkan dahulu.

hari itu ku dapat tahu yang kau telah berjumpa dengan teman baru. seorang insan yang bakal mengisi kekosongan dan mengubati semua duka yang telah ku berikan pada mu. jauh dihati ku, aku kecewa. namun aku tahu aku harus pasrah dengan semua itu. demi kebahagian mu, aku rela.

malam ini aku tidur dalam kedinginan malam di negeri orang. tempat ku membentuk masa depan ku, tempat ku lari dari semua kedukaan dan luka yang aku sendiri lakukan. dalam tak sedar, airmata ku mengalir bersama meratapi diri ku ini, yang masih tercari- cari bayangan mu.

deep down, i still love you... till the end of time... you'll always be my ultimate love...