i'm sorry if you feel that i was rude

lately all my hope for him is just a total waste of my time.. i know that you sms me to have a small chat. makes things clear and to tell how happy your are now that your back at your home town. i dont care about that anymore. i really dont. i gave you all the support you need and i still will be. however in most things you're own your own now. im sorry again. hope that your happy always..

my first autopsy exprience..

9.09am im at the morgue... Waiting for my time to enter the post mortem room. The anticipation is high. family of the death person were waiting outside the hall. Their faces describes everything. Anger, sadness and hate. The police are here as well. preparing the paper work and piece by piece.. here at the morgue time stood still for everyone. The staff tries to make jokes, trying to cheer the never ending moment of sadness n guilt that fill the air. im nervous and cant make the sense of to why im here at the 1st place..

11.00 a.m and i'm out or the autopsy room.. The 1st 15minute was horrible.. I feel like turning back and just left.. The sight of death was trying to bring me down pieces by pieces.. It was a murder case. for a while i try not keep a safe distance from the body. My mind was empty. I cant think about anything but leaving. Then the police came to me. Its i know that he's trying to challange my mental capability. He ask me to apporoach the body. Look at the slash wound nearer. With all the guts i had that time, i went on. Open my eyes wide and there it was.. Half a meter infront of me.
As time progress, im starting to get used to all the blood and organ. Touching and feeling every organ that the human body could offer.. The doctor was a great person. So does the policeman. Encouraging me every step. There i was, in total silence trying to make my way up and around people guilt and sadness..

againts the lonelinest and my dreams..

its reallty hard for me to start tyiping.. for everytime i try to, my feeling just left empty as if i was sitting here without a soul...

it was that day in everyone's life, when you just don't feel right.... the thing that you wanted so much is right at the corner but the link for you to get there and grab it was missing..

last night, i talk to a friend how i wanted to really meet my navy brother before i deploy for russia in april. i just wanna say sorry for all that i've done and for the fight that happen back then. however, my head keep on blocking this feelings.. trying each time not to give in so much of emotions. my friend said to me, just find others... but i know its not gonna be that easy.

that same night, dream that i was angry to my friends and decided to walk home instead of taking the same bus with them. on my way home, aguy say hai to me. he was very settle and very well mannered. apparently he was goin to the same direction as i am. we walk home together and chat. in 1 of our conversation, i ask him, where does he lives? he then answer this "it doesnt matter where i stay or wheere you stay, if you ever wanna meet up, i'll be there." then i was awaken by my mum's annoying voice... ish....

whatever my dream means, i dont care. all that i care about is that will that person arrive soon and is he somewhere out there? huhuhhu

the pieces dont fit anymore

the song reminds me of something that i've been thinking recently... its all in the lyrics...

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Chorus
Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

(Chorus)

Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.
III dont know why...... whyyyyyyyy!

the pieces dont fit anymore

u deserve it brother..

congrates to my navy brother. after 2 weeks of tiring exams and terrible and horrifying medical check up, you at last chosen to be a pilot for the navy's. i'm so happy for you. peace brother.
roger and out..

bored....

its like really boring this few days.. nothing seems to inspire me to write or even add something.. wanna take some pics but about what? maybe my adventure is has not yet began.. hopefully it will be soon...