what did i do to deserve you..

after all that happens in the last few days, i keep on thinking, what did i do to deserve u... what do i have that you were always there for me...

i miss you so much.. love you always..

the fight on valentine's day and the cherrish of forgiveness..

as feelings and emotion plays around with for being far away from my lover, a different thing comes around as well.. on that day my navy brother came.. it was a meeting that was suppose to be a memorable one, and apparently it did.. but with a bad twist on it.

things were goin well when he follows me around for my winter clothing shopping along with my family.. then the nights came and we went out.. planning to have a drink and shisha. instead i ask him to bring me to the most happening club in town.. things got ugly when we reach there.. there was a bit of a problem of getting in the club (something that i never faced when i went clubbing in kl). so he call some friends and apparently they were there all along.. knowing that i his friends would be around, i was not that comfortable. moreover, i just wanna spent my time with only just before i leave for russia.

to make things short, he choose to be with his friends rather then me. so that night i when to the place that we're suppose to have shisha. i drank alot and by 1.oo am i am officially drunk for the very first time after 2 years of being a social drinker.. i thought he would come back with me the the hotel where the whole family was. like it always had been. instead he when back to the ship..

i was soo furious and dissapointed... i went back trying to appear sober infront of my parents and straight to bed. the next day was the most painful for me.. he didnt call or sms of whatever. i cried hard right after my shower.. its been so long since the last time i've cried that i forgot how bad it feel.. and how relieve it was.

i sms him and think about the whole thing over again.. that morning i made myself believe that i should let him go. i told him about it and he begged me to forgive him. but i was stubburn and my heart was so full of dissapointment and anger. he call, but i never pick up the phone...

that nite, its like the climax of everything. i told him about how i feel when he leave and how he choose his friends over me, his brother. for the whole day i've been using 'aku- ko", 'u- i', 'awak'. but that night i feel like it was my breaking point and i guess God wants my relationship with him to be back to where it was supposed to be. it turn out he was down with the way i sms him. thats why he choose to go back to the ship.

and through that point and on, slowly my cold and hurt heart melts.. forgiveness was the only words that makes the text of my message to him. he call and for the second time i cried...
i told him the only thing that i want from him is to able to kiss and 'salam' his hand before i leave, and ask his blessing so that my journey there would be good. from the back ground, i know he cried as well and promise to make an effort to meet me again before he deploy for pakistan.

thanks abang... im so sorry..

P.S forgiveness is the best thing in the world... its hard to say it but its the most worth thing to go for.

There is no formula for success, just a complete acceptance to life and whats in it.....

The people that comes but never came in.

when we wanted to get to know people, we mail then and we chat with them. even thought the mail is just 1 line, we always smile when we recieved a reply. however when you started changing phone numbers and start calling and sms-ing each other, thing start to change abit. you feel closer to that person and chat with him/ her as if you know that person for your whole life.

then suddenly, he/ she stops sms-ing or contact-ing you. firstly you feel worried, then take the chance of sms-ing him/her. never reply.... you feel down and start asking what is wrong with yourself that she/he stops contacting you? after a week you notice this person was active again at the same cyberspace that you first know her/him. she/ he acts as if you were not there.. and never known each other.

well, people like this should be dumped far far away from your life. never leet them in again. if she/ he ever contact you again, let it be simple. dont make commitment or anything the same. until then its just goodluck.


P.S: THINGS WILL ALWAYS GOES BY YOUR SIDE. PEACE.

my story, navy, our country

Its was only after i moved to this new place that this particular thing finnaly made "contact" to me. all this time, thing was taken for granted and never cross my head to even think about it for a second ot two.

It was a naval military base. nothing interesting about it at first. but everytime i passed by, i feel so attracted to it. well, it was in 2006 that it finally come to sense what this all about. i was volunteer of a society that cares for children with certain genetic disorder, goin for a visit at the U.S navy SWIFT SHV-2.

Here i meet him.. a guy that i will call and take as my brother. a friend that would always there to support me when times a going down on me. along with him, i slowly come to understand the way of a military life. all the pain and hardship that they went through just to keep our country safe and peaceful. when he went out for patrol to the open sea, i know that he and all the other navy's is putting their life at stake. yet, they never complain and day by day, they still going on never trying to stop from performing this duty as a protector, a fighter for our country.

Today, he stands on a big ship on the shore of sabah. i'm proud of him and all our soldiers.. he always said to me, "kalau nak ingat abang, ingat lagu I am Sailing- Rod Stewart. itulah abang". until today, that song plays in my head every single day. reminding me of him everytime.

P.S i miss you so much. hope to see you soon.

the life here and the life there

its been more then a month since i left college and my life in kuala lumpur... life goes so slow here.. emotions rises contantly at great speed more then you can handle. the rainy days never seems to go away since the first day i've been here and the last few days has been the worse.

i miss my lover so much.. i know that my lover is happy and enjoying the busy life there. no matter how hectic and tiring it is there, at the end of the day its just pure satisfaction to get the energy pumping and the adrenaline rush from time to time. i miss my friends and all the excitement that KL has to offfer. things are never ending there. so much and so hard for me to admit it, i'm getting bored and starts to hate my own home. its not my home town... its just a place where we have to move to.

no one seems to understand how i feel and where i stand right now. my parents thinks that i'm lazy and doesn't do anything at home. and should be glad that i have a lot of time to rest. i wanna work, but my dad doest allow me too. my mum offer me a place at the hospital day care. but i hate doing paper work. it just doesn't get the energy pumping and the level of excitement just stays low all the time.

today i had the longest drive of my life. it was just a short distance, my daily route since i got here. songs of lost love and mix of death emotion plays over and over again at the radio.
i feel that my present here is being used and manipulate with. call and message me only when you want something. then once you're happy, PUFF!! gone! next wish please!! my trust is being tested and liars seems to play along beside me, still im covering one eye and hope that its just something that would change when i open both of my eyes.

i'm leaving malaysia soon. i'm happy that i did.

signing out.. peace.

changes and time

Its been raining 2 days straight now here at my place... along with the rain i drive myself here and there, trying to fullfill every task there is for me that day... however today was different... things seems to go slow. less people around me and it stops raining for 5 minutes..

it was a cold evening and i was driving down to my mum's office.. as i start my journey, the song Selagi Ada by Ning Baizura played at the radio.. my mind was lost in the lyrics as i notice that what i'm goin through now is almost the same as the lyrics itself... i've played the song over and over again. each time it starts, my emotion run deeper into my heart.. here's the lyric... selagi ada by ning baizura...

Telah ku lakukan semuanya kasih
Telah ku korbankan segalanya
Namun ku sendiri tak pernah mengerti
Apa yang engkau fikirkan
Apa yang engkau inginkan

Ku tahu kau tak pernah setia (kasih)
Ku tahu diriku tak bererti
Namun ku sendiri tak pernah mengerti
Apa yang engkau fikirkan
Apa yang engkau inginkan

Selagi ada cinta di hatiku
Selagi ada rindu yang membara
Selagi air mata ini mengalir
Kau tetap di hati ini
Cintamu tetap di hati

Selagi ku mampu bertahan kekasih
Jangan sampai cinta tiada lagi
Jika memang cinta tiada lagi (kasih)
Tinggalkan aku sendiri...
Tinggalkan cintamu kasih...

Selagi ada cinta di hatiku
Selagi ada rindu yang membara
Selagi ku mampu bertahan kasih
Ku terima segalanya
Walau hatiku merana