kehilangan diri ku di tanah asing..

Di tempat asing ini aku masih melihat diriku terkapai kapai ditelan masa dan cabaran. Aku dapat melihat diriku jatuh satu persatu di depan teman- teman ku. Aku tak mampu melihat bagaimana mereka mampu melalui semua ini tanpa sebarang kebuntuan dan kesakitan di wajah mereka. Adakah mereka merasakan apa yg ku rasa atau adakah mereka bahagia di tanah asing ini, semua itu tak mampu untuk aku rungkaikan.

ramai orang disekeliling ku, namum semua mereka terlalu asing bagi ku dan sukar untuk aku menerima mereka dalam hidup ku. Pengalaman telah mengajar ku untuk terus berhati hati dalam memilih teman dalam hidup ku terutamanya di tanah asing ini.

Airmata ku tak mampu lagi mengalir. Kesepian dan kebuntuan telah berjaya menyisipkan diri mereka ke seluruh tubuh ku. Kadang kala lebih baik untuk menjalani hidup tanpa sebarang maksud. Tak ada rs sakit hati, tak ada kebencian dan pastinya tak ada kegembiraan. Namun semua itu terlalu objektif dan andai ku lalui kehidupan sedemikian maka hilanglah diri ku dan hilanglah maksud ku untuk dunia ini.

that feeling again!

this very present moment i'm typing thi post, all i wanted was a miracle to happen. when i go to bed tonight, i'll be waking up in my room at home. i don't care of the boring old sandakan, i don't care if i miss everything i KL. i just wanna go home!

i hate the feeling of loving someone but you know that they would never love you back or just can't be in love with you.. and somehow you know that they are falling for you as well but they able to manage themselves and overcome the feelings..

i thought i would never fall in the same situation again.. but hell here i am doing it all over again. dammit!!

when this happen i know hows the ending gonna be... and its happening fast just the way it was before..

nothing i can do. nothing that i can hope for to fix this thing i'm in.. all i can do now is pull myself away from all this and find retreat in myself where i am much more secure and safer from all the heartfelt in the outside world...

mix emotion..

susah aku nak cakap perasaan aku waktu ni.. semuanya bercampur aduk dengan stress dr study dan stress dengan keadaan sekeliling aku.

this is the day when there is so much i wanna tell the world but word doesnt wanna come out smoothly and every word that i've said seems flat and meaningless.. so much so, my best buddy is moving out. and im gonna b stuck here in this nightmare that never seems to end..

so much that i hate to say this, i know im gonna miss him badly because his the only friend that is sincere in every way when it comes to friendship especially here in russia where people are selfish and only think about themselves.

p;s gonna miss u badly.. and no om not gay!

my stress..

at the final moment of a broken smoke from a burning cigarette i come to realize that all my stress here is because of the place... the hostel.. the people..

the place is dirty.. my room is messy from my seniors accumulation of 4 years of stuff and my stuff which i dont have anywhere to put due to lack of space and tolerance from my room mate.

people just dont care who u are. frens is always number 3,4,5...

its just me.. here.. alone.. hurt and push deep down till i cant see my self again..

i need a beach retreat!!! this is an emergency!!

the last few day was a constant stress and retreat for me. my body starts to go weak following its manifestation of a stressed out body.. then i come to realise that my live now is the same as the song by robbie william'- better man.. its all in the lyrics...

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

dear babe,

i really dont know how or what to say about whats happening at the moment. everything seems so flushed out. non of them make any sense to justify all the heart felt and pain.

let me tell you what i've seen in you all this time that we are together.

you are a very strong girl.. but no matter how you wanted to be, your not a woman yet..

your intelligent in your own way.. and i love the way you are. so stop comparing yourself to kelvin tan.

loyal is your first name. you always try your very best to make things happen in your life. im proud that you did.

your beautiful and flirty. beauty has always been you.

your a great individual, talented, hardworking and yet in all that busy world of
your'se, you still manage to have fun and be who you really are..

when it comes to all the things above i guess those who really know you would agree with me 110%! no doubt about that.

always remember babe, "we are just to hot for the world!"

missing you so much... looking forward of meeting you in june..



with love,

adrian...


p.s: you always been my 14/10 girl.. never goes less then perfect..

the unknown, the emptiness...

i still dont understand whats wrong with my life now.. the thing that kept on bothering me for the last few days is totally over but still i feel restless as if something is just not right. i can feel the space in the grooves of my heart left empty. nothing to feel, nothing to fill nothing to grasp for..

this empty space must be filled soon of life would be have no meaning and does not satisfied the burning desire of being free and being my self.

i looked at their faces and all i can see was frustration hidden deep inside their eyes. yet they manage to hide it from others with jokes and laughter about everything they came across to..

im tired and exhausted on the first day of the week. i hope i wont die by the end of the week.. regrets is a passed memory. buried deep down the cavity of my mind. spaces starts to do it work against me.. smaller spaces seems to get bigger and bigger.. emptiness is slowly taking over and to my surprise it doesnt equal to anything but itself. somehow i let it to self profess its existence toward my surrounding..

sesungguhnya cinta..

BLIND BY LOVE...

sesungguhnya cinta itu bukanlah satu kebahagian andai kepedihan yang kau terima..

sesungguhnya cinta itu bukan indah andai hanya buruk yang kau terima..

sesungguhnya cinta itu hilang maknanya andai hina yang kau terima...

sesungguhnya... sesungguhnya...

i told ya!!!

my imagination never seems to fail me... never..

i have very bad attitude of saying bad words to people but never really meant it.

i judged people and tell then whats gonna happen if they dont stop doing what they are doing.

those people never believe me. yet every time what i said before would come true sooner or later....

hati ku seolah olah tak mampu lagi menahan semua ini... nak saje aku nangis dan jerit sekuat kuatnya.. tapi setiap kali aku nak buat semua tu, diri aku tak mampu mengeluarkan semua yang terpendam dalam hati aku ni... benci, sakit hati, semua ni aku dah penat layan dah. bila aku nak give up, ada je yang ambik aku balik. aku takde niat nak sakiti sesape. just aku dah cukup lama hidup untuk menilai orang- orang disekelling aku ni sama ada mereka ni jenis yang mengambil berat pasal kawan dan yang menerima kawan mereka secara menyeluruh tanpa sebarang kompromi. paling aku benci bila ada orang anggap kawan ni macam objek feng shui. blh bawa nasib baik kalau kawan dengan budak bijak pandai tapi malang tak berkesudahan kalau kawan dengan orang yang merokok atau suka party or socialise.

satu demi satu perkara datang dalam hidup kita. setiap kali ia akan membawa satu arus yang bakal memberikan perubahan pada hidup ini...

ape pun, i wish everyone to have a happy life ahead.. God bless everyone..

might be a second to late...

never thought i love someone else's dream...

pertanyaan? jawapan? kau? aku?

malam yang dingin terasa amat apabila ku jauh dari tanah ku sendiri.. tiada pengganti untuk semua itu, tiada kemanisan mampu menghilangkan rasa hambar jauh di hati ini..

cinta terlalu subjectif saat ini. bulan terus berputar namun hanya boleh dilihat sekali sekala. pepatah ibarat punguk rindukan bulan rupanya benar belaka.

kau mencari aku? kau rindukan aku?

minta maaf kerana menyakiti hati mu. bukan niat ku untuk melukan sesiapa. hanya ku turutkan kata hati ini. andai ku mampu menidakkan kata hati pasti aku tidak lemas dalam semua ini dari awal lagi.

takdir ku? takdir mu?

dimana rasional saat hati menciptakan seribu pertanyaan?

kau inginkan aku? aku inginkan kau?

kepura puraan menjadi benteng yang menahan kita dari terus jatuh. dari terus dicaci dan di hina di khalyak itu.

penerimaan itu satu dusta? pemberian itu suatu?

ikhlaskah kau? ikhlaskah aku?

cinta itu bukankah suatu kebahagian? tapi kenapa masih ada linangan airmata keperitan, kebencian dan kesedihan?

cinta itu buta? cinta tak mengenal sesiapa?

mengapa wujud sempadan dalam percintaan kalau semua itu cukup luas dan mampu dimiliki sesiapa?

kau tanya aku? aku tanya kau....

unknown just like the dark space..

last night i finally cooked my first chicken rice and nasi lemak. to make it more exciting its here in russia that all my hidden talent in cooking are truly expressed.. hahaha.. however there's some people just cant be happy for what you could achieved. tho then heavy foods like nasi lemak, chicken rice or spaggetti can only be enjoyed once a year or only when you out with your family or friends for dinner. who cares about them anywhere.. contempt in their narrow mind and small cubicle space..

i finish cooking around 1.00am.. then along with my buddy, we went out to have a beer and cigarette.. it was some silence moment for us.. type of silence where you could just be free from all the tension and heartfelt. we talk about stuff and how life is for us... 3am.. cold... we went back to our rooms and sleep...

my dream was empty, all i can see was a dark space.. i try to fill it with colours and living things, but what colour? what living things? i woke up with nothing to remember.. just reminder to myself that my life now is nothing but equal to the dark space in my dream..

orang- orang dalam hidup aku kini..

selepas duduk kat russia ni sebulan, aku jumpa ramai orang- orang baru dan kawan- kawan baru.. selama bersama dieorang ni, aku perhatikan meraka ni ada cara yang tersendiri bergantung pada bagaiman dieorang dibesarkan..

2 orang kawan aku ni dorang memang kadang kala buat sakit hati sikit.. kalau takde kesabaran memang dah lama aku tinggalkan dieorang ni. tapi sebab nak "value" friendship sangat aku pun ok je lah... dieorang ni dua orang ni selalu melekat je lah. yang buat aku geram sangat is when they start talking to each other. macam aku ni tak wujud pun kat sana. dah tu siap nak kutuk orang lagi dalam "mother tounge" dieorang.. macam aku tak faham je.. then, 1 case yang pernah berlaku dimana dari saat tersebutlah aku tau yang mereka ni sebenarnya tak kenal erti nilai seorang teman. masa tu aku rasa macam diperbodohkan je.. so aku ambik keputusan untuk pergi and senyapkan diri je. kalau dieorang tanye kenapa tak datang turun makan dengan dieorang aku kata aku dah makan or sibuk sikit hari tu. however at last member aku yang seorang lagi ni, paksa aku gak untuk berkawan dengan dieorang balik. aku buat macam biasa je lah tapi dalam hati dan minda aku, perasaan dan nilai sebuah persahabatan itu dah takde lagi untuk dieorang... mulai hari tu, they are just another person in my life. i wont die, i wont even miss them if they ever went off without me..

second part of today's story is pasal member aku yang seorang lagi ni... die ni kira baik gak ar dengan aku. caring selalu jaga aku klu aku nak sakit or anything. tapi yang aku tak suka ialah cara die yang kasar dan kurang ajar sikit. kadang- kadang tu nak je aku bagi die makan kaki aku sikit.. tapi all in all, aku dengan die memang kamceng habis..

ape pun yang berlaku hari ini atau hari esok, aku harap ia akan membawa kepada perubahan yang aku inginkan.... sakit, tekanan, tension tu semua hanya satu ujian bagi memperlengkapkan diri aku pada perbahan itu...

to myself

i belive in time travel and i believe in time travel and i believe that my past would always exist on the other part of time. as time is relative, to what? it really doesnt matter..

to my dearest self, when i was 13 year old,

you are currently doing your medical degree in kursk, russia. your life really sucks here but never despair for you had your time before you came here. you will meet a lot of wonderful and bad people. some would bring you down to your bear knee and some would just accept who you are.

your love life is a bit messy here and there. happiness seems to far from you as it constantly redefine it self. constant changing and travel had matured you well enough till this very point. cherish what you had then and you'll find yourself far better when things get hard.

find a person that would love you o who you are. its alright to question yourself and what you want in life for it would bring you a step closer to the life that you wanted. never give up on yourself and work hard for everything that you want.

you'll be a heart breaker to your lover but this is how life is... reach for what you want and with God's wil, you'll be there soon...


with all my love to you,

adrian...

p.s: love your friends and they'll love you back.. right babe?