looking back, laying low

when i look back at how i've been acting, how i tried to get all the popularity and attention, i realised all i wanna do is trying to change what the world of me right now. i wanna grow up to be powerful. i want people to respect me. i want to know there is more of me even when i got nothing else to offer..

till now, when i look around me, its better for me to remain low. i had choosen the wrong path to begin with. stories of me being wild and beyond control have been running around for a while now. most of the time i just wanna ignore it and say "what the hell, so what. let it be lah. it doesnt matter". but i realize that the story will never end. never shall it stop till i retreat back to base 1 and start the way all the "junior" student should..

till the end, i just wanna be me. but till then i guess i just need to lay low. smile and hai to everyone. cause nothing i had is truly mine.

trying to understand the drama...

as i'm writing this, the my world is turning white.. the snows starts to cover the earth slowly everything turns in to nothing but plain white color. today had been a stressful day for me. i started the day late. but still its was a tiring one. the nights a getting longer. my dreams are getting shorter. i miss home so much. i just feel like goin home this winter holiday. but its too expensive. so i just let it be.

the dilemma of being in love while your not is hard enough for me. i wanted you last time but you rejected me. and now you starts to give signals of wanting me back with you. living those days again but a little closer then before. i dont understand why it should b like this. as i moved away from you, i also found somebody else to fill up the space that you had left empty. i'm not sure how the person and what am i to the person. but the person always says that i'm special. a kiss on the forehead and the person will be dancing to joy..

i miss u, i miss home...

i just love the way life works....

with lost and regrets, comes joy and love....

confession for today...

ok, here it is... my confession of the day. today i didn't go to organic class because i hate the teacher and i had this thing about the environment of the organic chemistry's lab..

i'm desperate.. sooo desperate. i'm waiting for the call.. a call that i should receive earlier today. i hate that person so much... its suppose to be our date today. we're suppose to have dinner together today..

things that he said, sticks on my mind. can't take it off my head no matter how i try to.

the days a getting boring. its getting dark real fast here..

i miss home.. i wanna go home...

living in secrecy...

i just can't live in secrecy with you... i want you but i can't lets myself wasted again on you.. you want time, but time is limited for me... so the question for you is to be or not to be... i'm not forcing you, nor am i rushing you into this. but its the time and the strong emotional standing that i don't have... i love you.. i do.. that's my answer for you. and that answers everything...

what a surprise!!

well, its officially my birthday... i really thought that non of my friends really care about my birthday.. moreover we got double test on anatomy and medical biology..

so, the person that came.. along with the best home made chocolate banana cake... i was sooo surprise.. i was goin to the wash room when someone knock the door.. i had this thing about people knocking doors over n over again. so i shouted n open the door.. n there they were.. n there the person is.. with a cake.. it was just perfect.. just great.. loving every moment of it..

then after all was ended, apparently my group mates had they plan as well.. the also bought a cake.. n the second surprise again... totally unexpected....

how i wish that i could share all this joy with everyone that i love...

happy birthday to me...

Life of Rumi

Reason is powerless in the expression of Love. Love alone is capable of revealing the truth of Love and being a Lover. The way of our prophets is the way of Truth. If you want to live, die in Love; die in Love if you want to remain alive.

-jallidin rumi-

getting old real fast...

i'm celebrating my birthday in a few days time... i just can't believe that i'm this old this fast.. to me, i'm still that little kid that need all the attention he could get.. over the years i loved, i fall, i cried and i woke up once again so that i could go on with what life has for me..

today i'm in medical school.. running through the busy days in order to fulfill my dream to become a doctor.. well lets hope i will made it through without much trouble..

i'm missing my family. missing home. winter is approaching real soon. it cold and the days are sad. as i go to class in the evening, i can see the sun set before me. in those rain, the scene was beautiful... how can 1 color be so beautiful... the orange of the sun sets...

it'll be another year before i'm goin back home.. missing every second of my life there... and i'm looking forward for it...

loving and missing you.... home..

to be this is not normal...

sometimes i just wanna be what i truly am...
i envy all those people that others called slut because they're so comfortable with themselves.
i wish they is no differentiation when i comes to sex.
i wish i was 20 years old.

but the world won't accept all of those wishes.
people talk and loves to add twist to the stories they heard.
ever since i step out i can't define normal any more.

i don't hate you.
i just want you to be with me.
so sleep and hug me in those lonely nights.
but we're never meant to be together.

so i let you go.
free you from me.
no more kisses.
no more hugs.
just memories of you and me.

p/s: i if only you can see this....

over u?

and so you told me... i'm officially trying to get over you mode...... asystole..

making myself go through hell..

sitting here listening to heart broken songs and smoking ciggarette just to makes time pass seem pathetic and totally out of hand. but hey, this is all you can do to release all the emotion that gone stuck int the memory of my brain. i let myself lost in your arms. letting myself naked and fragile at the same time. and now i that you're gone i was left with nothing but my pride and enough clothing just to cover my naked body. you walk away as if nothing ever happens between you and me. but i won't b angry nor will i ever judge your decision as to why you did all this. we want happiness and you didn't find it in me.

so i let myself exposed to the outer world. letting them know all my shame, all that was me. but i know, in time i will regain all that i've lost to you. its painful, its hard. but there is no gain without losing something. and i know the next time i'll be better and stronger then i was before i met you.

p:s; 1 thing remains strong in my memories, your kiss..

Torn- natalie Imbruglia

If there is anywhere that i could represent my feelings rite now, it would be in the lyrics of this song...

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late, Im already torn

and so i was, and so i know..

i was in love.. i thought i did.. for the moment everything was perfect, everything was right. never i thought that you're just wanna have it done and go. now all that i left is just those euphoric sensation of being in love and be loved. you smell still linger all over my body. memories of us just keep on repeating itself as i saw you walk by everyday..

and so now i know.. i regret it and i do not regret it...

missing u always..

and so it was..........

i was just too tired...

its been more then a month now since i started my second semester here in kursk. they've been up and downs and somehow i manage to pass all of them. taking myself higher then before. still the intense 12 hours of non stop of class is starting to take their toll on me. today i saw myself in the mirror, and for the first time i saw how ugly i look. my eye bags makes my eyes look as if they gonna pop out any moment. i can't see any sparkle in my face. i look like i was just run down by a really old ugly mercedes lorry.

during this time also, i feel like myself trap between reality and what is opposite to it. all those emotion and is draining me fast. sucking out all my energy like a little boy sucking up a glass of cold orange juice during summer... zoooooop!! just like that.

the song O Re Piya- Rahat ali khan keep on playing inside my head over and over again. i repeat the song in my mp3 until i'm tired of listening to it.. reason? i think i'm i love... with an indian... yet, the feeling i had was different. usually when you missed somebody, you feel happy, you feel energetic, you feel like you wanna live forever and life itself will never ends. but thing are not like that for me. i missed this person so much. but its killing me.. slowly.. sucking all of me.

so to take all this feeling off, i watch Grey's anatomy.. which makes it worse because the theme was "what would do it this was your last time on earth?" i watched 2 episodes. on the second episode i stop 5 minutes before it end and run down to the corner of my hostel, call my best friend, tell him to shut up and cry.. really hard..

it was such a relief.. the burden were somehow lifted and gone.. well, most of it that is. but it was good.. really really good.

i glad that i did that... and thank God for sending me an angel...

12 thing as to why i'm so pissed off today....

1. i'm angry

2. i hate people whose a total hypocrite

3. my friends is most of the time is a small kid..

4. i have no love over my lover

5. my best friend is somehow ignoring me in a way or another

6. u r not talking to me

7. yes you..

8. i hate cigarettes

9. i dress up all in black for sometimes now.

10. black is all i have in my closet.

11. i hate to cold weather so much!

12. i wanna get drunk but i cant without throwing up.

a letter for you...

dear baby,

abang nak baby mengerti yang abang tak pernah bencikan baby. abang mintak perpisahan ni atas sebab peribadi abang sendiri yang tak mampu menanggung semua ni. kekeliruan dalam diri yang tiada sudahnya..

i'm stupid because i let you go. the minute i let you go away from my life, i crave for the love and attention that you had given to me. your love is pure. more than i could ask for. more then what i could dream of. so i try to find all of those things in someone else. a new love.. a new hope..

maybe its true, once you get the taste of perfection, comparison are easily made. and once again i'm wrong for comparing my new love with you.

terlalu kalut untuk abang jelaskan semua dalam kata- kata. diri abang sekarang hanyalah seorang insan yang sepi dahagakan kasih seorang insan yang pernah dia tinggalkan dahulu.

hari itu ku dapat tahu yang kau telah berjumpa dengan teman baru. seorang insan yang bakal mengisi kekosongan dan mengubati semua duka yang telah ku berikan pada mu. jauh dihati ku, aku kecewa. namun aku tahu aku harus pasrah dengan semua itu. demi kebahagian mu, aku rela.

malam ini aku tidur dalam kedinginan malam di negeri orang. tempat ku membentuk masa depan ku, tempat ku lari dari semua kedukaan dan luka yang aku sendiri lakukan. dalam tak sedar, airmata ku mengalir bersama meratapi diri ku ini, yang masih tercari- cari bayangan mu.

deep down, i still love you... till the end of time... you'll always be my ultimate love...

to be the good in all that is bad...

its really hard to be a good person. to arrange your life and follow all that is good like not to smoke and not to get drunk and drown your system every week with alcohol. still i'm managing myself through all this. its hard to be good i know. i also know that nobody is perfect. that includes me. my mouth speaks the word of evil. but my heart just wants the best and the good.

i know sooner or later i would start smoking again. and i know that tomorrow i the chances of me getting drunk and all drown up in alcohol is there. its hard when everyone around you doing all this and only you trying your best not to stray along in all that..

the life and the love..........

its hari raya and that means i've been here for more then 2 weeks already.. times gose so slow here. i feel like i've been here for almost 2 months already. the days are boring with class flooding down and flushing away my private time. starts my day everyday at 7.30am and end at 7pm.. other times is used mainly for studies and cooking+ eating.. stress is beyond comprehension. sometimes i just feel like throwing up with all the stress build up. still i manage to control myself , keeping myself together every minute. i miss home but not as much as when i first get here. it is much more tolerable now. i try not to smoke and resist alcohol as often as possible. my friends are great. we are much open and relax with each others companion even though our timetable is very much reserve for going to class.

i miss my lover so much. however i feel that everything is to perfect. no fights no arguing. no jealous feeling or what so ever. he trust me and i trust my lover..
i'm scared that i would not be able to "menanggung sebuah cinta yang sempurna"....
that tommorow i would just vanish in this love that i'm in....

raya yang sepi...

raya tahun ni yang paling sepi.... as if it had never happen.. still its there infront of you.. i guess if there never were eid- mubarak, this same feeling will linger in everyone's heart.........

24 hours

starting your day at 7.30 in the morning just to go to class and only finishing at 7 p.m in the evening is the worse thing that could happen when you only have 24 hours a day..

pagi- pagi buta dah kena marah cikgu....

life now and hope for then..

aku hapy dengan keadaan aku sekarang.. just my hostel je lah yang masih menjadi masalah aku hingga ke hari ni. dok kat kursk tak lah seteruk mana pun after a while. so aku harap things would go well and smooth as we all moved on to another level in life.

as for my lover, i miss my lover so much... tak taulah kenapa sejak aku break up dan bersama yang baru ni, aku lebih protective and ambik berat sangat pasal hubungan kita orang. maybe i learn y lesson or mayb i'm just getting older...

kad raya masa kecik...

esok class aku dah start dah.. ever since i reach kursk, nothing much yang aku boleh buat.. the days are gloomy and nothing really interest me that much... bila fikir balik pasal ramadan ni teringat kisah kau sekolah rendah dulu.. kawan kawan semua bukan main lagi bagi kad raya kat best friend lah, girlfriend lah or orang yang dieorg berkenan.. so aku pun tak ketinggalan juga lah bagi kad raya kat member member aku. masa tu, kad raya dengan kartoon lawak tu lah yang paling popular... the funnier it is, the more popular you are at that particular moment. but today, benda benda tu dah takde lagi dah. sekadar sms or email je... those sweet days...

p.s; terkenang zaman kanak- kanak dulu... everything was simple and fun..

getting lost....

whats the odd of you getting lost because you took the wrong bus twice?

here and there..........

well, here i am and there you are...

of u n me....

then it was u, it was him.. now its me..

of u n me....

the time we own is too short.. but somehow it lasted forever...

tears and rain...

tears dries up faster.......... then rain...

goin back, ramadan and missing you...

as i'm writing this, my two months holiday will soon end.. as the day approaches for me to go back to school i can't help thinking about all the the things that i've done and all the things that had happen in this 2 months...

ramadan means a lot to me even though i'm not a muslim.. i feel to peaceful and at rest when ramadan arrives.. all the people are some how nice and sincere.. the sound of the muslims prayer just soothes the thirsty soul.. and in a way i feel very calm indeed.

i realize that i'm more mature that i was back then.. i discover few things that reminds me of who i am and my goals in life..

thanks mum and dad...

i started missing everyone already even though there's few days left.. i haven't got the chance to go bazaar ramadan.. just don't feel like it..

i miss my love so much.. we will only meet for few hours before i fly back to russia..

generally speaking, i met all the person that i really want to meet up with accept for one..... i really want so meet him before i go... but somehow there's things that are more important... i'm gonna miss u navy brother.. i'll see you in another time.

russia baby.... here i come..

malas tahap dewa malas..

sejak aku balik malaysia ni, malas giler nk udate blog aku... lgpun bukan ada pe pun nak di update... tunggu aku balik russia dan aku akan start updating blog aku... tunggu...

aku, kau dan dia....

officially home..... never been happier..

goin back!!

today i'm goin home.... see you all there!!!

i feel so happy that he treats me nicely....

cinta dalam hati...

"mungkin ini memang takdir ku, menggagumi tanpa dicintai..."

the search, the walk...

i take a walk through my heart
trying to search for you
as i walk through my dreams
i passed all the old memories
all the rough roads that i've been through
all the dreams and love i left behind.

i try to search for you
for a minute i thought i saw you
i throw all that i have
ran to you just to know that you were not there

as i look up, i saw him
he brings me back to where i will be safe
i hold his hand tight
not to let got
but remembering all the dreams about you

will i ever see you again?
will it still be the same?
or will i lost you in my heart forever
like all the things that i had lost before...

i was a boring day......... i'm busy with classes but my head is somewhere else..

on anatomy class today, i was horrible and disgusting as it had been all this time. playing with real human bone and corpses. however today was the worse i guess.. me and my friend had to turn the corpse so that the musculus gluteus faces upwards and visible to all students. while i was turning it, i look at the face of the corpse. he was an old men. very old i would say. from the look of his teeth set, and the mass of the muscles he died of natural cause. old sickness... he look really sad.

the smell of the cadaver room is unbearable. its not somewhere i want to be or even think of going in all the time. organs and bodies are everywhere...

still, as a medical student, this is what i should do. my responsibility as the group leader and a medical student..

till then, its all gonna be over soon. goin back home... 2m months of rest will do great..

thank god holiday is coming.. if it was not because of of holiday i would have die here. the last week of class if super busy even though class and lecture has reduce. its all because of my damn "atravodka"... or replacement class... have to finish it before the semesters end.... then i'm goin home!!!

i just realise that i cant be strong for to long without anyone to love....

i cry for people who dont care about me
i break the hearts of people who loves me
i beg for love when its running dry
i throw love away when i have plenty of it.

i know that today's worse gonna turn into tomorrow's best
i know it was never too late for me to change

i love you so much but why dont you feel the same?
i love you but why do u feel so far away?

i cant love you anymore
i just cant do this anymore

know it, know you, then you'll know me...

what betty said...

"sometimes when you want something really bad,
we forget that there are other people involves.
we just get stuck in our own real world and
it doesn't matter what other people feel.
Accept that, it does matter.."

ugly betty...

goin home soon...

time passe so fast here in russia.. i cant believe that i'm going back to malaysia next week.. the excitement is unbearable...

i'm goin home soon... 15 more days to go... for the first itme in my life i say this, I MISS U MALAYSIA!

kehilangan diri ku di tanah asing..

Di tempat asing ini aku masih melihat diriku terkapai kapai ditelan masa dan cabaran. Aku dapat melihat diriku jatuh satu persatu di depan teman- teman ku. Aku tak mampu melihat bagaimana mereka mampu melalui semua ini tanpa sebarang kebuntuan dan kesakitan di wajah mereka. Adakah mereka merasakan apa yg ku rasa atau adakah mereka bahagia di tanah asing ini, semua itu tak mampu untuk aku rungkaikan.

ramai orang disekeliling ku, namum semua mereka terlalu asing bagi ku dan sukar untuk aku menerima mereka dalam hidup ku. Pengalaman telah mengajar ku untuk terus berhati hati dalam memilih teman dalam hidup ku terutamanya di tanah asing ini.

Airmata ku tak mampu lagi mengalir. Kesepian dan kebuntuan telah berjaya menyisipkan diri mereka ke seluruh tubuh ku. Kadang kala lebih baik untuk menjalani hidup tanpa sebarang maksud. Tak ada rs sakit hati, tak ada kebencian dan pastinya tak ada kegembiraan. Namun semua itu terlalu objektif dan andai ku lalui kehidupan sedemikian maka hilanglah diri ku dan hilanglah maksud ku untuk dunia ini.

that feeling again!

this very present moment i'm typing thi post, all i wanted was a miracle to happen. when i go to bed tonight, i'll be waking up in my room at home. i don't care of the boring old sandakan, i don't care if i miss everything i KL. i just wanna go home!

i hate the feeling of loving someone but you know that they would never love you back or just can't be in love with you.. and somehow you know that they are falling for you as well but they able to manage themselves and overcome the feelings..

i thought i would never fall in the same situation again.. but hell here i am doing it all over again. dammit!!

when this happen i know hows the ending gonna be... and its happening fast just the way it was before..

nothing i can do. nothing that i can hope for to fix this thing i'm in.. all i can do now is pull myself away from all this and find retreat in myself where i am much more secure and safer from all the heartfelt in the outside world...

mix emotion..

susah aku nak cakap perasaan aku waktu ni.. semuanya bercampur aduk dengan stress dr study dan stress dengan keadaan sekeliling aku.

this is the day when there is so much i wanna tell the world but word doesnt wanna come out smoothly and every word that i've said seems flat and meaningless.. so much so, my best buddy is moving out. and im gonna b stuck here in this nightmare that never seems to end..

so much that i hate to say this, i know im gonna miss him badly because his the only friend that is sincere in every way when it comes to friendship especially here in russia where people are selfish and only think about themselves.

p;s gonna miss u badly.. and no om not gay!

my stress..

at the final moment of a broken smoke from a burning cigarette i come to realize that all my stress here is because of the place... the hostel.. the people..

the place is dirty.. my room is messy from my seniors accumulation of 4 years of stuff and my stuff which i dont have anywhere to put due to lack of space and tolerance from my room mate.

people just dont care who u are. frens is always number 3,4,5...

its just me.. here.. alone.. hurt and push deep down till i cant see my self again..

i need a beach retreat!!! this is an emergency!!

the last few day was a constant stress and retreat for me. my body starts to go weak following its manifestation of a stressed out body.. then i come to realise that my live now is the same as the song by robbie william'- better man.. its all in the lyrics...

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

dear babe,

i really dont know how or what to say about whats happening at the moment. everything seems so flushed out. non of them make any sense to justify all the heart felt and pain.

let me tell you what i've seen in you all this time that we are together.

you are a very strong girl.. but no matter how you wanted to be, your not a woman yet..

your intelligent in your own way.. and i love the way you are. so stop comparing yourself to kelvin tan.

loyal is your first name. you always try your very best to make things happen in your life. im proud that you did.

your beautiful and flirty. beauty has always been you.

your a great individual, talented, hardworking and yet in all that busy world of
your'se, you still manage to have fun and be who you really are..

when it comes to all the things above i guess those who really know you would agree with me 110%! no doubt about that.

always remember babe, "we are just to hot for the world!"

missing you so much... looking forward of meeting you in june..



with love,

adrian...


p.s: you always been my 14/10 girl.. never goes less then perfect..

the unknown, the emptiness...

i still dont understand whats wrong with my life now.. the thing that kept on bothering me for the last few days is totally over but still i feel restless as if something is just not right. i can feel the space in the grooves of my heart left empty. nothing to feel, nothing to fill nothing to grasp for..

this empty space must be filled soon of life would be have no meaning and does not satisfied the burning desire of being free and being my self.

i looked at their faces and all i can see was frustration hidden deep inside their eyes. yet they manage to hide it from others with jokes and laughter about everything they came across to..

im tired and exhausted on the first day of the week. i hope i wont die by the end of the week.. regrets is a passed memory. buried deep down the cavity of my mind. spaces starts to do it work against me.. smaller spaces seems to get bigger and bigger.. emptiness is slowly taking over and to my surprise it doesnt equal to anything but itself. somehow i let it to self profess its existence toward my surrounding..

sesungguhnya cinta..

BLIND BY LOVE...

sesungguhnya cinta itu bukanlah satu kebahagian andai kepedihan yang kau terima..

sesungguhnya cinta itu bukan indah andai hanya buruk yang kau terima..

sesungguhnya cinta itu hilang maknanya andai hina yang kau terima...

sesungguhnya... sesungguhnya...

i told ya!!!

my imagination never seems to fail me... never..

i have very bad attitude of saying bad words to people but never really meant it.

i judged people and tell then whats gonna happen if they dont stop doing what they are doing.

those people never believe me. yet every time what i said before would come true sooner or later....

hati ku seolah olah tak mampu lagi menahan semua ini... nak saje aku nangis dan jerit sekuat kuatnya.. tapi setiap kali aku nak buat semua tu, diri aku tak mampu mengeluarkan semua yang terpendam dalam hati aku ni... benci, sakit hati, semua ni aku dah penat layan dah. bila aku nak give up, ada je yang ambik aku balik. aku takde niat nak sakiti sesape. just aku dah cukup lama hidup untuk menilai orang- orang disekelling aku ni sama ada mereka ni jenis yang mengambil berat pasal kawan dan yang menerima kawan mereka secara menyeluruh tanpa sebarang kompromi. paling aku benci bila ada orang anggap kawan ni macam objek feng shui. blh bawa nasib baik kalau kawan dengan budak bijak pandai tapi malang tak berkesudahan kalau kawan dengan orang yang merokok atau suka party or socialise.

satu demi satu perkara datang dalam hidup kita. setiap kali ia akan membawa satu arus yang bakal memberikan perubahan pada hidup ini...

ape pun, i wish everyone to have a happy life ahead.. God bless everyone..

might be a second to late...

never thought i love someone else's dream...

pertanyaan? jawapan? kau? aku?

malam yang dingin terasa amat apabila ku jauh dari tanah ku sendiri.. tiada pengganti untuk semua itu, tiada kemanisan mampu menghilangkan rasa hambar jauh di hati ini..

cinta terlalu subjectif saat ini. bulan terus berputar namun hanya boleh dilihat sekali sekala. pepatah ibarat punguk rindukan bulan rupanya benar belaka.

kau mencari aku? kau rindukan aku?

minta maaf kerana menyakiti hati mu. bukan niat ku untuk melukan sesiapa. hanya ku turutkan kata hati ini. andai ku mampu menidakkan kata hati pasti aku tidak lemas dalam semua ini dari awal lagi.

takdir ku? takdir mu?

dimana rasional saat hati menciptakan seribu pertanyaan?

kau inginkan aku? aku inginkan kau?

kepura puraan menjadi benteng yang menahan kita dari terus jatuh. dari terus dicaci dan di hina di khalyak itu.

penerimaan itu satu dusta? pemberian itu suatu?

ikhlaskah kau? ikhlaskah aku?

cinta itu bukankah suatu kebahagian? tapi kenapa masih ada linangan airmata keperitan, kebencian dan kesedihan?

cinta itu buta? cinta tak mengenal sesiapa?

mengapa wujud sempadan dalam percintaan kalau semua itu cukup luas dan mampu dimiliki sesiapa?

kau tanya aku? aku tanya kau....

unknown just like the dark space..

last night i finally cooked my first chicken rice and nasi lemak. to make it more exciting its here in russia that all my hidden talent in cooking are truly expressed.. hahaha.. however there's some people just cant be happy for what you could achieved. tho then heavy foods like nasi lemak, chicken rice or spaggetti can only be enjoyed once a year or only when you out with your family or friends for dinner. who cares about them anywhere.. contempt in their narrow mind and small cubicle space..

i finish cooking around 1.00am.. then along with my buddy, we went out to have a beer and cigarette.. it was some silence moment for us.. type of silence where you could just be free from all the tension and heartfelt. we talk about stuff and how life is for us... 3am.. cold... we went back to our rooms and sleep...

my dream was empty, all i can see was a dark space.. i try to fill it with colours and living things, but what colour? what living things? i woke up with nothing to remember.. just reminder to myself that my life now is nothing but equal to the dark space in my dream..

orang- orang dalam hidup aku kini..

selepas duduk kat russia ni sebulan, aku jumpa ramai orang- orang baru dan kawan- kawan baru.. selama bersama dieorang ni, aku perhatikan meraka ni ada cara yang tersendiri bergantung pada bagaiman dieorang dibesarkan..

2 orang kawan aku ni dorang memang kadang kala buat sakit hati sikit.. kalau takde kesabaran memang dah lama aku tinggalkan dieorang ni. tapi sebab nak "value" friendship sangat aku pun ok je lah... dieorang ni dua orang ni selalu melekat je lah. yang buat aku geram sangat is when they start talking to each other. macam aku ni tak wujud pun kat sana. dah tu siap nak kutuk orang lagi dalam "mother tounge" dieorang.. macam aku tak faham je.. then, 1 case yang pernah berlaku dimana dari saat tersebutlah aku tau yang mereka ni sebenarnya tak kenal erti nilai seorang teman. masa tu aku rasa macam diperbodohkan je.. so aku ambik keputusan untuk pergi and senyapkan diri je. kalau dieorang tanye kenapa tak datang turun makan dengan dieorang aku kata aku dah makan or sibuk sikit hari tu. however at last member aku yang seorang lagi ni, paksa aku gak untuk berkawan dengan dieorang balik. aku buat macam biasa je lah tapi dalam hati dan minda aku, perasaan dan nilai sebuah persahabatan itu dah takde lagi untuk dieorang... mulai hari tu, they are just another person in my life. i wont die, i wont even miss them if they ever went off without me..

second part of today's story is pasal member aku yang seorang lagi ni... die ni kira baik gak ar dengan aku. caring selalu jaga aku klu aku nak sakit or anything. tapi yang aku tak suka ialah cara die yang kasar dan kurang ajar sikit. kadang- kadang tu nak je aku bagi die makan kaki aku sikit.. tapi all in all, aku dengan die memang kamceng habis..

ape pun yang berlaku hari ini atau hari esok, aku harap ia akan membawa kepada perubahan yang aku inginkan.... sakit, tekanan, tension tu semua hanya satu ujian bagi memperlengkapkan diri aku pada perbahan itu...

to myself

i belive in time travel and i believe in time travel and i believe that my past would always exist on the other part of time. as time is relative, to what? it really doesnt matter..

to my dearest self, when i was 13 year old,

you are currently doing your medical degree in kursk, russia. your life really sucks here but never despair for you had your time before you came here. you will meet a lot of wonderful and bad people. some would bring you down to your bear knee and some would just accept who you are.

your love life is a bit messy here and there. happiness seems to far from you as it constantly redefine it self. constant changing and travel had matured you well enough till this very point. cherish what you had then and you'll find yourself far better when things get hard.

find a person that would love you o who you are. its alright to question yourself and what you want in life for it would bring you a step closer to the life that you wanted. never give up on yourself and work hard for everything that you want.

you'll be a heart breaker to your lover but this is how life is... reach for what you want and with God's wil, you'll be there soon...


with all my love to you,

adrian...

p.s: love your friends and they'll love you back.. right babe?

spring and contemped in time and space

spring is now here!!! its warm and sunny all day.. the sun only sets around 9pm here.. i gain weight which is something surprising for i only have dinner and no lunch or breakfast. sometimes i only have a bun from a lebanon restaurant at the university.

well, to see the sun so bright and the air so warm makes me a bit jealous to the people here. its like valentine's day everyday here. couples walking together, holding hands, smiling at each other, kissing etc... i wish there would be that someone who could share this feeling that i have right now.

living here is like living in a box.. i dont actually know what happen in malaysia no matter how i try to keep up with the news online. i only know that our prime minister had change 2 weeks after the it was all done with. recently, baby kiran actually talk about this "lomo" thing.. what the hell is lomo? oh my god!!! i dont know anything about malaysia!! anyway, babe, im coming home on the 23rd of june. tell me everything that i missed ok.. cant wait to meet you!!!

class is always hectic.. time seems limited here. the spare time you have is used througly for resting and eating.. dinner is always great. apparently im a great cook. never realized that before. missing home and missing everyone...

p/s: im now single... hehehe

bukan lagi kekasih ku...

sedarlah kasih kau bukan lagi kekasih ku.. sedarlah bahawa semua ini tak akan kekal sekai pun kita mencuba untuk menipu takdir. aku cintakan diri mu namun hati ku terus membuntukan semua yang ada di sekeliling ku, termasuk dirimu.. maafkan aku kerana semua ini berlaku saat aku jauh dari mu.... kata ku, rasa ku merentasi benua, maelintas langit, membelah lautan saat melafazkan semua itu pada mu... maafkan aku kerana mempersoalkan semua ini saat dirimu amat memerlukan diriku.. tak akan ada pengganti dirimu dalam hati ku.. kau sentiasa berada dalam hati kecil ini. akan ku semai sejarah cinta kita walaupun telah kabur ditiup waktu... maafkan aku.. kau bukan lagi kekasih ku...

terlanjur cinta- rossa feat pasha...

waktu bergulir lambat
merantai langkah perjalanan kita
berjuta cerita terukir dalam
menjadi sebuah dilema
mengertikah engkau
perasaanku tak terhapuskan

malam menangis
tetes embun membasahi mata hatiku
mencoba bertahan di atas puing-puing
cinta yang tlah rapuh

apa yang ku genggam
tak mudah untuk aku lepaskan

aku terlanjur cinta kepadamu
dan tlah kuberikan seluruh hatiku
tapi mengapa baru kini kau pertanyakan cintaku

aku pun tak mengerti yang terjadi
apa salah dan kurang ku padamu
kini terlambat sudah untuk dipersalahkan
karna sekali cinta, aku tetap cinta

mencoba bertahan di atas puing-puing
cinta yang tlah rapuh

apa yang ku genggam
tak mudah untuk aku lepaskan


hmmmm.... aku pun tak tau apa jadi dengan aku sekarang ni... aku pasti kalau die tahu perasaan aku sekarang ni pada die, pasti lagu ini lah yang paling sesuai die tujukan pada aku... by the way yang mempersoalkan cinta itu ialah aku.. yang bertanyakan tentang cinta itu ialah aku... aku, aku, aku...

its been a week since i last updated my blog.. as all of you know i've started my class 2 weeks ago. now life is very busy especially when the group leader. i need to take care of everything.... sometimes i feel like i am taking care a bunch of kindergarten kids.

well, this week was a mixture of good and bad.. the bad was when i screw up in inorganic chemistry class for the first lesson. then to make things worse, i screw up for the test as well... to make it all up, i need to attend "ultravodka" class.. its like repeating the test but at a special period after class. the best thing is that i get good marks for my anatomy on the features of sternum.. i guess i had always been the "biology" type of person.

spring is starting in kursk. but when it all starts to gt all warm up, suddenly the next day you wake up, the temperature falls dramatically. you end up going to class and breathing out "smoke" out of your nose or mouth.

when i reach here, i realise how lucky we are as malaysian to have a quality water to drink and bath with. the water here is the worse ever... my skin dries up and start to itch on few places. but thank God that i bought an expensive skin lotion before i came to russia. i have to apply the lotion to my whole body just to prevent from my skin from getting dry and itch again.

missing malaysia... KL i miss u so much.. you are the perfect asian sin city...

we are just to hot for the world....- kiran

beaten by russian vodka...

last nite was the best night since i've been in russia. just to let all of you know, here in kursk, there is no entertainment like KL does. no major shopping centre like pavillion or so whatatever. just those small shopping mall that took you only 15min to finish your round. back to my story, last night we went to metro a place that sells stuff in bulk. the place is kinda cheap but it is so far and located in the middle of nowhere. if you dont know, you may probably think is some kind of secret military science lab like roswell of area 51 in the US. so, we went around that place until we reach the liquer department. a huge collection of liquer. cheaper then malaysia. for those addict, its heaven. 4 of us just cant resist the call of the liquers. so we bought malibu. average size bottle since there was only 4 of us.

when we reach our hostel, the news of we buying malibu spreads fast. end up having all 6 of us. so me and a friend knows that its not gonna be enough. we when out to the kiosk near our hostel. bought 3 bottles of turborg beer. however.... while we were entering the hostel door, 1 bottle slip down and broke into pieces... infront of the security. thank god he was a very sporting guy. just tell us to clean it. by the way, the bottle slip from my hands because we were trying to hide it from the security guard. huhuhuhu....

so we went up to my friends room, keep it and feeling frustrated by the accident. then my friend have this wicked idea (well its my idea as well) about buying another bottle. this time we went to europa, a hypermarket near by, to buy vodka... hehehe..

we had our time that night. i was the bartender, mixing drinks for everyone and myself. when the malibu and beer was finih, it was time for the vodka. salt on the right hand and lemon on the plate. each of us had 3 shots each and i got 4 along wit my friend. its not long before i start to feel the real effects of vodka's... after 30 minutes from the last shot, i started to feel like vomiting. 10 minutes later there i am, in the toilet. vomiting... huhuhuhu

my friend help me up, give me some water and helped me to his bed. i slept for about 4 hours, to lazy and drunk to walk... all of them chat until 4.30am when finally i moved to my room... the next day was hell.... major hangover for everyone... mine was the worse i guess.

no matter how it is, it was a great night.... and i wont be doing it any soon...

missing you malaysia...

empty...

my life here in russia had change a lot. i feel like im more matured in handling things in life. im like the big brother to my juniors here. however recently i come to realise that my heart is just empty. i fill most of my free time cooking for others and going from one room to another just to make sure that i can pass the time fast. i woke up in the morning feeling nothing but going to university to start my day. when i come back from university and my rromates are not in i just sat by my table listening to sad stupid music. i feel like im strap to a particular time chain but still able to wonder around the floating and continous time flow...

i dont know whats gonna happen to me. does med school causes everyone to be like this? in the end of the day i could only hope that all this would come to pass soon. missing malaysia and everyone at home and in kl...

missing kiran... we can chat all night and gossip about all things that the world could offer.. "we're just too hot for the world" miss you babe...

cubaan rampasan kuasa!!

dah 2 hari aku start class aku kat med school. dalam masa ni gak aku telah di pilih oleh kawan- kawan aku untuk jadi group leader. tanggungjawab besar tu... tiap minggu aku terpaksa update markah dan kehadiran group kat dean's office. then keje- keje copy handouts and cari class aku gak kena buat. tak best tol lah.

tapi dalam semua kesibukkan itu aku bangga gak sebab diberi kepercayaan untuk memikul tanggungjawab ni. however, ada orang dalam group aku ni memang tak puas hati dengan aku jadi ketua. budak ni dah lah lambat masuk group aku, pastu waktu entrance test untuk biologi die langsung xdatang. entah jam berapa baru nampak batang hidung die terhegeh hegeh kat pintu office madam natalia. die kira bernasib baik gak sebab ada senior tolong die. selama tak de clas ni, die dok hangout dengan senior ni je. sampai tido kat bilik die lagi. dah lah perempuan, tido bilik lelaki plak tu.. ish... ish.. ish... (rasa macam si joyah plak)..

ok, kembali pada citer aku, budak ni sejak start masuk group aku asyik nak control semua member aku. tapi aku bersyukur sangat sebab member aku ni pun tak suka kat die sangat dan nak kat aku gak... hehehe... budak rampas kuasa ni dah 2 hari volunteer nak die jadi ketua konon. then kat class die lah yang cuba nak ambil alih semua keja ketua.. tak pe...tak pe...

walau apa pun yang terjadi aku harap semua akan berjalan dengan lancar semester ni.. aku tetap aku...

p/s; missing malaysia a lot.

its gone!! and no life...

i hate mylife here. i was actually typing more then half the page when sunddenly the page turn back to the dashboard. aaargghhh!!! today i just stay at the hostel. nothing to do. no class at all. tomorrow is my last day of entrance exam. so boring.

let see what did i do today...

wash my clothes.. no washing machine!!

listen to songs on my laptop.

cook eegs and ham for breakfast and lunch

sleep...

go to europa hypermarket.

cook maggi for dinner..

update my facebook and blog..

waaaaa!!! i got no life here!!!

i've been following this blog about a hiv +ve patient for a while now. his blog reminds myself to be very careful with the stuff that i do daily. not to play around randomly just to have a kick out of sex. family seems more real and important. at this age, we seldom think about our family. how they are and how they've been.

dalam kesibukan aku mengejar cita- cita aku, aku kadang- kadang terperangkap dalam kesunyian aku sendiri. waktu- waktu macam ni lah aku akan mula fikir pasal masa depan aku. kemana aku dalam masa sepuluh tahun akan datang?, apa akan jadi dengan aku masa tu?, aku dah kahwin ke?, dah ada anak ke?, aku akan hidup dengan kekasih aku sekarang ke? atau insaf kah sudah aku? hehehe.. well, ape pun yang terjadi aku harap semua yang terjadi dan akan terjadi akan ada sesuatu yang baik disebaliknya..

rindukan semua kawan- kawan dan family aku....

temperature i getting better here.. warmer by each day.. makin semangat nak pegi uni... hehehe..

i had my first proper breakfast today... cooked it myself... kain tak cuci lagi.. malas sangat... sape nak tolong cuci?

perubahan ku, kematangan ku, keinginanku...

hujung december 2008 aku balik sandakan setelah setahun setengah aku kat kuala lumpur.. and now today aku kat kursk, russia. persuing my dreams to be a doctor. first year, first semester. dalam masa 3 bulan aku kat sandakan smapai lah hari ni aku dapat rasakan diri aku banyak berubah. mentally and maybe physically here and there. dalam semua perubahan itu aku rasa diri aku lebih matang dalam menilai setiap perkara dan keputusan. namum begitu bila masuk je bab cinta ni aku risau. aku dengan kekasih aku dah 3 tahun kenal. kebelakangan ni aku rasa cinta aku pada dia dah makin tawar. bukan aku tak cintakan dia, tapi kematangan aku ini membuatkan aku lebih faham dan tahu apa yang aku inginkan dalam hidup aku. dia masih berada dalam alam remaja yang lebih gemarkan kepuasan dan kegembiraan sementara. while aku inginkan sesuatu yang real, seseorang yang matang dan mampu membawa aku ke alam kebahagian. seseorang yang mampu menegur dan membawa aku kembali kala aku alpha dengan benda duniawi. seseorang yang tak akan duduk dan membiarkan aku jatuh dan menangis sendiri. aku tidak inginkan seseorang yang akan menagis bersama aku. tapi aku dambakan seseorang yang akan memberikan aku suntikan semangat untuk kembali menjalani hidup andai aku kecewa di pertengahan jalan. yang tak mudah hancur dengan pahan emosi melampau..

"apa pun yang terjadi berjalanlah tanpa henti....."
melawan kesepian- siti nurhaliza

the life, the love, the time....

its weekend and i got nothing good to do other then lying down on my bed waiting for the days to goes by. im missing everyone back in malaysia. life here just dont suits me no matter how hard i try. i missed my internet setup day last night. so till the guy come on her next visit, i wont have any internet connection. thank god my friends are a bit understanding with what im goin through right now n in makes my life here easier. so much so, i feel that im losing myself in this love that im in. i didnt say "i love u" tho my lover for few days now.. the 3 words doesnt taste as sweet as i was before. peduli lah.. that what i say when this comes to mind. i sometimes just wanna let all this love go. get a new start in life and find a lover once im truly ready. its my nature that i need to have something that is real and always near me. a person that i can touch and be with anytime of the day. distance is to much for me. to make it more complicated, the time span im here in russia is damn long. 6 years is not a short time. its a long process of maturing and it cahnges people in every way possible. and i hope one day, everyone that i leave behind in malaysia would accept all the changes in me. i cant me anybod else other then me... love u all.. miss u all...

life in russia the beggining of a life as medical student

well its been 3 days since i reach russia. life is hard here. i havent settle down quite yet. i havent got my internet and my russian number for my mobile phone. people here a totally rude. the hostel is like a refugee camp for asian, especially malaysian. i got a hell lots of picture to upload but until i got my own internet line im stuck to writing. thank god i have a friend that is kind enough to lend me her sister's internet. everything here needs ro pay. internet, ketchup, etc.things are expensive. the wether is constantly cold eventhough its spring. my class havent started yet. hopefully soon.

miss everyone back in malaysia... love u guys!!!

starting my journey tomorrow!!!

tomorrow will be the start of my journey to russia.. flight to kl 10am.. airasia..
by the way my flight to russia is on the 31st of march 0200hour.. huhu see u guys there!! mmuuuuaah!!

going russia at last!!

woke up this morning and got a message from my father that my flight to russia is confirm. on the 30th of march 0055 hour. flight fly emirates.. im so excited cant wait to be there.. but im sure im gonna miss my baby, friends and family. my preperation is almost done.. huhuhu..

never thought i cry..

my baby call, just to ask how i am and what i'm up to. few hours before that we had a small argument about me going to russia soon and maybe unable to go and meet up with my baby before i deploy. while my baby was talking, i cant help the feeling of missing my baby so much.. i supress my feeling towards my baby, saying to myself that its ok and its just a short seperation. i guess, every now and then, i miss my baby terribly and dont wanna admit it. well tonight i cry silently while my baby was talking. i wanna say sorry but for what reason? words cant form even though there's thousand of things that i wanna tell my baby.

i'm sorry baby.. i love you so much. if we are unable to meet for the final time before i deploy, im sorry again. sometimes things just doesnt go the way we wanted it to be. i love you then, now and forever...

thinking of you- kate perry

thinking myself as the person in the lyrics.... am i bad by doing so? to desire the past yet still wanting all the real thing and always supress by reality? well, here it is, thinking of you- kate perry

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

a very stupid bad addiction!!

i have this really bad addiction to this old tv series on hallmark. the nanny!! i thinks i've watch the complete episode otf the nanny for 4 times already.. never get bored and always laugh at the same joke over and over again..

the story is not just about a whacky nanny who happens to work at this really rich english broadway producer that had 3 kids, a butler and a overly reacted business partner. its about life. about how a litte of humour and trust can change the life of everyone. how love is unconditional and and true.. love will always be on your site no matter where you are, how you are.. and it also comes in many different package. all you have to do is to trust yourself and the love... cheers!!

a hit at hte groin its funny but eeewwww!!

there's this whacky show on axn recently that shows clips of guys got hit at their groin after some major sport mistake. it was really funny for a few seconds then all of a sudden i feel like a major rush of blood right "there"!! it wasnt the "nice" kinda rush for sure!! omg!!! it feel really wierd. a bit like the butterfly feelings in the stomach when you're panic, just that at that moment it was around that "area"... damn you axn!! hahaha

am i leaving soon?

just got the news from my mother yesterday that maybe i'll be leaving for russia on the 30th or march.. hmmm.. it got me excited!! cant wait to go and start a new life there as a medical student. along with that, i'm a bit sad to leave everthing here. my family, my friends, my lover... gonna miss you all!! how cliche it sounds but life have to go on. and i cant wait!!!

ade ke yang baca blog aku?

banyak kali gak aku fikir pasal benda ni.. ade ke yang nak baca/ baca blog aku?
number of readers tiap hari naik gak. adakah mereka baca atau sekadar lalu je?
ape2 pun, kepada yang baca blog aku, terima kasih u alls...

love is a losing game

i guess in this world that i'm living in, love is always gonna be a losing game... yet, i still have great in it.... ejoy everyone.. amy winehouse- love is a losing game.

you did not remember me

when i was a little boy, i dont really understand this song, and yet its still such a sad and heartfelt melody in yet... now that i know what it meant, i goes even deeper.. this is for that someone...

Realiti sebuah penerimaan

Banyak perkara dalam dunia ni yang mengambil masa untuk sedar atau menerima realiti sebenar sebuah masalah itu. Kerinduan ku kepada banyak perkara sedikit sebanyak membuka mata ku kepada perkara- perkara yang selama ini aku cuba elak realitinya. Dalam semua kesibukkan itu kita leka dengan apa yang berada di sekeliling kita. Hanya apabila kita kesunyian barulah maksud sebenar semua itu datang menerja setiap sudut kehidupan kita. Pada saat itu barulah kita sedar yang kita tak mampu melakukan apa- apa selain membenarkan semua itu hadir dalam hidup kita. sesetengah perkara senang untuk kita terima. Separuh lagi mungkin amat perit untuk kita terima kebenarannya. namun, seperit mana pun realiti itu, lama kelamaan kita terima juga. Sehari, sebulan mungkin setahun... Tak siapa tahu... Tapi yang pasti kita tak ingin semua itu terbuang menjadi debu- debu halus yang melayang bila angin bertiup.

Hari sepi ku dan harapan esok

Malam ku sepi tanpa dia di sisi. Ku lalui malam ku di tempat ini tanpa seorang teman. Tiada apa yang mampu ku lakukan untuk menghilangkan kesepian ini. Rinduku pada si dia semakin hari semakin dalam. Namun apabila ku cuba menyelami perasaan itu, terasa hambar dan tawar. Tidak seperti dulu saat dia sentiasa hadir disisi raga ku.

Dalam semua kerinduan ini, ku juga mengharapkan orang yang ku anggap abang hadir menemani aku. cukup untuk ku melempiaskan semua kerinduan ku padanya walau hanya seketika. Namun ku tahu semua itu hanya tinggal janji yang telah terhapus ditelan masa dan kebuntuan. Kepentingan diri mengatasi segalanya. Ku hormati tiap keputusannya. Siapalah aku jika dibandingkan dengan keluarganya. Aku hanya insan yang dahagakan kasih seorang abang. Seorang kawan. Seorang teman untuk ku bicarakan diriku dan kisah duniawi.

Apa pun yang berlaku, ku hanya mampu berharap agar hari esok dapat menjanjikan sesuatu yang elok bagi ku. Namun jika hari esok serupa dengan hari ini dan seterusnya, akan aku menghitung hari ku sebelum aku bertolak ke tempat baru dimana akan ku mulakan satu kehidupan baru yang lebih mencabar.

i'm sorry if you feel that i was rude

lately all my hope for him is just a total waste of my time.. i know that you sms me to have a small chat. makes things clear and to tell how happy your are now that your back at your home town. i dont care about that anymore. i really dont. i gave you all the support you need and i still will be. however in most things you're own your own now. im sorry again. hope that your happy always..

my first autopsy exprience..

9.09am im at the morgue... Waiting for my time to enter the post mortem room. The anticipation is high. family of the death person were waiting outside the hall. Their faces describes everything. Anger, sadness and hate. The police are here as well. preparing the paper work and piece by piece.. here at the morgue time stood still for everyone. The staff tries to make jokes, trying to cheer the never ending moment of sadness n guilt that fill the air. im nervous and cant make the sense of to why im here at the 1st place..

11.00 a.m and i'm out or the autopsy room.. The 1st 15minute was horrible.. I feel like turning back and just left.. The sight of death was trying to bring me down pieces by pieces.. It was a murder case. for a while i try not keep a safe distance from the body. My mind was empty. I cant think about anything but leaving. Then the police came to me. Its i know that he's trying to challange my mental capability. He ask me to apporoach the body. Look at the slash wound nearer. With all the guts i had that time, i went on. Open my eyes wide and there it was.. Half a meter infront of me.
As time progress, im starting to get used to all the blood and organ. Touching and feeling every organ that the human body could offer.. The doctor was a great person. So does the policeman. Encouraging me every step. There i was, in total silence trying to make my way up and around people guilt and sadness..

againts the lonelinest and my dreams..

its reallty hard for me to start tyiping.. for everytime i try to, my feeling just left empty as if i was sitting here without a soul...

it was that day in everyone's life, when you just don't feel right.... the thing that you wanted so much is right at the corner but the link for you to get there and grab it was missing..

last night, i talk to a friend how i wanted to really meet my navy brother before i deploy for russia in april. i just wanna say sorry for all that i've done and for the fight that happen back then. however, my head keep on blocking this feelings.. trying each time not to give in so much of emotions. my friend said to me, just find others... but i know its not gonna be that easy.

that same night, dream that i was angry to my friends and decided to walk home instead of taking the same bus with them. on my way home, aguy say hai to me. he was very settle and very well mannered. apparently he was goin to the same direction as i am. we walk home together and chat. in 1 of our conversation, i ask him, where does he lives? he then answer this "it doesnt matter where i stay or wheere you stay, if you ever wanna meet up, i'll be there." then i was awaken by my mum's annoying voice... ish....

whatever my dream means, i dont care. all that i care about is that will that person arrive soon and is he somewhere out there? huhuhhu

the pieces dont fit anymore

the song reminds me of something that i've been thinking recently... its all in the lyrics...

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Chorus
Well I can't explain why it's not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It's the better thing to do,
It's time to surrender,
It's been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore, Pieces don't fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That's breaking my skin.
Well I'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

(Chorus)

Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why, no I don't know why.
III dont know why...... whyyyyyyyy!

the pieces dont fit anymore

u deserve it brother..

congrates to my navy brother. after 2 weeks of tiring exams and terrible and horrifying medical check up, you at last chosen to be a pilot for the navy's. i'm so happy for you. peace brother.
roger and out..

bored....

its like really boring this few days.. nothing seems to inspire me to write or even add something.. wanna take some pics but about what? maybe my adventure is has not yet began.. hopefully it will be soon...

cinta ku, rindu ku....

Saat kerinduan mencipta duka, seribu kenangan kembali mengamit segala impian. Cinta, sayang, harapan dan cita- cita menjadi taruhan bagi sebuah masa depan yang masih kabur dan tidak pasti.

Setiap langkah pasti diiring suatu memori. Memori yang mengingatkan kita untuk terus kehadapan walau apa sekalipun yang menghalang.

Kerinduan ku padanya mengatasi segala keinginan ku. Pada waktu ini, sulit untuk ku nyatakan perasaan cintaku padanya yang semakin membara. Pada waktu ini juga timbul perasaan takut andai cinta ku padanya malap ditelan angin malam ku yang sentiasa sunyi, sepi tanpa teman

the way we were- barbra streisand

the lyrics reminds me of everything that ever happen in my life. the good and the bad, the happy and the sad.

Memories,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?
Memries, may be beautiful and yet
Whats too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So its the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...

the time when i should stop giving..... reality

at this point i realise that things in live happen without us knowing for a reason. to make us strong, and prepare us for future comings...
however, when you starts giving out advises, things may change here and there. you want things to be great for the person. to make him feels better. at the same time, believe it or not you giving the person a glimpse to reality. most of the time, the reality that you hope for was nice. but sometimes,its just bad, sad and painful. here is when acceptance is a total denial for everyone.
to make things even worse, after sometimes, you actually know the "reality" for this persons problem.. so, should you tell him/ her? peace everyone...

my baby...

i think think this is my first time i write about my baby. the person that i love.. i love this peerson for almost 3 years now. and i know that this person lovers me every second of this persons live.
i crave for attention but i know u are far away and just starting university.. sometimes i wonder if i could ever stand this lonely empty feelings any longer. yet i'm still here waiting for the day that we will meetup again. till then, i love u baby.. abang pray for you always..

when you are no longer you...

its really hard for me be back here at my place. i feel like i'm stuck in a time warp and could not escape it anymore. my energy is being suck out and yet i'm still trying to push myself further like i'm trying to keep myself a live in murky waters...

today was a boring and sad gloomy day for me. i try to keep myself as low as possible so that reality wont hit on me that hard. yet, someone said something that really hurts my feeling so much that m y head starts to spin and my heart skips a beat. now i'm still trying to put myself together. trying not to hate this person. soon enough i'll be leaving this place. and i home my next visit here would be short..

i'm sorry M. I'm sorry baby and I'm sorry everyone..

P.S hoping for a good night sleep.

a wish of goodluck..

i just wanna say goodluck to my navy brother for his pilot interview tomorrow.. all the best abang.. God bless you..

a serial novel

its been so long since i wanna start writting a story in form of a novel.. mayb i will start here.. cross your fingers everyone..

sorry for what happen to you..

i cant say nothing to you other then feeling sorry for yourself and your situation.
you'll find a good person one day that will fullfill all your dreams and love you without any problem.
till then, good luck my friend and god bless you. be strong. u know who you are.

the love, the sweet and the bitter..

the last few days was fine for me. nothing much happen. however a friend of mind had a relationship problem and somehow its getting worse by the day. i myself is in a relationship. hearing every word that came out form my friend it makes me realise how vunarable we are when it comes to dealing with our feelings and relationship. i hope i wont make any bad mistake in my relationship.. i love you baby.

tribute to our soldier...

i looked around youtube recently and found out that we lack videos about our soldier. like "tribute to our troops" videos that the US people always post and upload on youtube... there are few videos about our troops but mostly are demontrstion or interview.

we need to come up with a video where everyone can watch and feel the sacrife that our troop had made for us.. people, let us stand up and start now..

if we or someone ever made a video about our troops:

what song would it be?
malaysian songs or any random songs?
would people appreciate what we did?
does posting a video about our troops wrong or a sin in any religion?

well... i hope 1 day i would watch a video that contributes and appreaciate our TLDM, TUDM, TDDM.

that feelings when the line is taking a different direction

after a fight with him, we were back to what we are again.. brothers.. however, this time it just doesnt feel right.. i have doubt in myself about wether i would be a good brother to him anymore.. i realise i was being selfish all this time. taking matters to my own hands. i promise myself not to repeat the same mistake again.. but the taste is just not the same anymore. the love i have for him is no longer because i want him beside be like a family should be but a love where i just wanna keep him happy and yet i know i do not deserve him.. he,s too kind.. too good.

god bless u abang... i'm sorry again..

what did i do to deserve you..

after all that happens in the last few days, i keep on thinking, what did i do to deserve u... what do i have that you were always there for me...

i miss you so much.. love you always..

the fight on valentine's day and the cherrish of forgiveness..

as feelings and emotion plays around with for being far away from my lover, a different thing comes around as well.. on that day my navy brother came.. it was a meeting that was suppose to be a memorable one, and apparently it did.. but with a bad twist on it.

things were goin well when he follows me around for my winter clothing shopping along with my family.. then the nights came and we went out.. planning to have a drink and shisha. instead i ask him to bring me to the most happening club in town.. things got ugly when we reach there.. there was a bit of a problem of getting in the club (something that i never faced when i went clubbing in kl). so he call some friends and apparently they were there all along.. knowing that i his friends would be around, i was not that comfortable. moreover, i just wanna spent my time with only just before i leave for russia.

to make things short, he choose to be with his friends rather then me. so that night i when to the place that we're suppose to have shisha. i drank alot and by 1.oo am i am officially drunk for the very first time after 2 years of being a social drinker.. i thought he would come back with me the the hotel where the whole family was. like it always had been. instead he when back to the ship..

i was soo furious and dissapointed... i went back trying to appear sober infront of my parents and straight to bed. the next day was the most painful for me.. he didnt call or sms of whatever. i cried hard right after my shower.. its been so long since the last time i've cried that i forgot how bad it feel.. and how relieve it was.

i sms him and think about the whole thing over again.. that morning i made myself believe that i should let him go. i told him about it and he begged me to forgive him. but i was stubburn and my heart was so full of dissapointment and anger. he call, but i never pick up the phone...

that nite, its like the climax of everything. i told him about how i feel when he leave and how he choose his friends over me, his brother. for the whole day i've been using 'aku- ko", 'u- i', 'awak'. but that night i feel like it was my breaking point and i guess God wants my relationship with him to be back to where it was supposed to be. it turn out he was down with the way i sms him. thats why he choose to go back to the ship.

and through that point and on, slowly my cold and hurt heart melts.. forgiveness was the only words that makes the text of my message to him. he call and for the second time i cried...
i told him the only thing that i want from him is to able to kiss and 'salam' his hand before i leave, and ask his blessing so that my journey there would be good. from the back ground, i know he cried as well and promise to make an effort to meet me again before he deploy for pakistan.

thanks abang... im so sorry..

P.S forgiveness is the best thing in the world... its hard to say it but its the most worth thing to go for.

There is no formula for success, just a complete acceptance to life and whats in it.....